George Michael
So, George Michael: Britain's death-wishy answer to Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, and Kevin Spacey. He's like the holiday turducken no one wants to eat.
This photo says it all, right? We think it was taken the night that he crashed his Land Rover through the front window of a photo shop. (Side note: yes, they still have photo shops in Britain.) But it could've been shot any random night in Michael's one-man crazytown. From where we sit, it makes him look a little like post-apocafacelift Mary Tyler Moore. Which should be a warning to anybody.
George, if you're reading this, we're thinking of you. We know you're anxious about your sentencing on September 14. We know you're especially worried about the possibility of landing in gaol (or, in American: jail). And so we've written a little song for you, set to the tune of your very own "Careless Whispers". It's not very good, but perhaps it'll bring you a sliver of succor.
I'm never gonna drive again --
Got real high, plowed through a window!
Judge says I have to make amends,
But me, I'd rather make lunch.
I should've stopped and picked up some M&Ms --
Or maybe Cool Ranch Good & Plentys.
Now I'm never gonna drive again,
So I guess the beer run's up to you...
