Lindsay Lohan
This, people -- this is the face of DUI. The scrunched-up, self-tanned, high-brought-low, comeuppance-enhanced face of DUI. A simulated re-enactment of the Lohan's just-wrapped trial:
Lindsay Lohan: What? What did that bitch say?
Lawyerlady: That "bitch" is your judge, and she just sent you to jail for 90 days and to rehab for 90 days beyond that. All because you violated your probation for two -- yes, two -- DUIs. That's what that the "bitch" said.
LiLo: But, okay, you know, like, what does that mean?
Lawyerlady: That means you're going to jail.
LiLo: Ha! I can't go to jail, dummy. It's summer! They don't have jail in summer! Who hired you?
Lawyerlady: They do have jail in summer.
LiLo: Since when?
Lawyerlady: Since always. It's jail.
LiLo: Look, I don't know where you graduated from, Lawyerlady, but I was in Mean Girls and the very popular remake of Freaky Friday, so I know a lot, okay. And I know that I can't go to jail in summer because (a) it doesn't exist, and (b) I'm going on vacation with my friend Samantha, who has a DJ gig in Ibiza next month. The paparazzi will be waiting.
Lawyerlady: Well, as for (a), clearly you're screwed in the head. And as for (b), Sam and the paps will have to wait. Believe me, they'll still be here when you get out.
LiLo: But...but...but I don't WANT to go to jail!
Lawyerlady: Really? Oh, well that makes a big difference. Let me go talk to the "bitch" and see what we can work out.
LiLo: Jeez, FINALLY some action around here. Okay, go to it.
Lawyerlady: ....
LiLo: I said, go to it. Talk to the bitch. Make it happen.
Lawyerlady: I was joking, you idiot. You're going to jail. That's all there is to it.
LiLo: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Lawyerlady: Shut up.
LiLo: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Lawyerlady: I said, shut up.
LiLo: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Lawyerlady: Look --
LiLo: I'm just going to keep doing this until you make that bitch change her mind.
Lawyerlady: You go right ahead. I'm going out to grab a mochaccino and cash my big fat paycheck from your manager. See you in a few months. Enjoy that new jewelry. (Exits)
LiLo: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.... Hey, is anybody filming this? These are real tears people!
